Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
