you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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