Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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