I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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