Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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