There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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