that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
