i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
