Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
