Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
