You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
