wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
