and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
