Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
