we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
