just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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