remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
