He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
