I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
