I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
