haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
