he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
