He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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