Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
