Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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