the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
