Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
