Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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