Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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