I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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