Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
