1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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