I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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