she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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