Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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