Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
