Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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