Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We smell like vodka and hangover
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