Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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