Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
