cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
