i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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