Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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