Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
