I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
