He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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