nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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