I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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