im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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