I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
