Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
me + whiskey = a bad person
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
