Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We have so much sex to catch up on
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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